I am excited that I can write again. It's really been difficult for me since my last writing.
My name is Sade. Life has always been fair to me. In fact, more than fair to me. When it comes to love, I have plenty of love. Love just loves me back. Or maybe love is meant for me alone. Not to be shared with nobody as I am just too much for any one person on God's green earth.
I met Ben at a mart. If you know me well, you know that I don't smile when in a hurry. As I was getting drinks from the vending machine he walked towards my direction and said "can you get mine too? " I remember how I acted like I didn't see or hear anything. I just walked past him. When stepped out through the doors on my way back home, I bumped into him. He was there again waiting. I just acted like I didn't know what he was there for (we always know what these fuckboys are there for. Their package is always the same ).
He offered to drop me off at my place ... did I say I was with my younger brother? Well, I actually came out to get him things as that day was his Matriculation. After much counters and pestering and flattery, I finally got in his Camry with my brother. He dropped us. We exchanged numbers and he insisted on taking us out later that night to celebrate Femi's matriculation. Again, after so much persuasion, I agreed.
He took us to this very place on MCC in which I had first felt uneasy but for Femi who was smiling and seemed to be having a swell time; I soon relaxed. Over the food, he went on about school, and about how he struggled to survive back then. He kept advising Femi and wishing him well in this mummy tone that I could only recall from one of these home videos. When he wasn't looking my brother would smile and wink at me . He took us home, and Femi who already seemed to like him already agreed when Ben asked him to hang out with him again the next day.
Ben took Femi out on several occasions, and trust my brother; he would come back with things and blow Ben's trumpet. He would even mutter things like "Sade, you've found a husband " They went to church together on Sundays and even on weekdays. Ben had won my brother's heart.
And so, days became weeks. And weeks had many children. He would always call me on the phone. Never did a day go by without him calling up to 5 times. I barely returned the favour. I guess Iwas so distracted with school and other guys. He kept complaining about me not having time for him, not returning his calls....... I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. The gra gra! The emotional drama and all that. It was obvious that was what he wanted so I tried to run from it .
Ben started to become worried. Ever saying "You don't have my time. You are not a serious person...... ". My friends, on the other hand, didn't make things easy as they had already taken to him so they wanted me to date him. They wanted me to be happy. Ben appeared an incredible bundle of happiness. They didn't want me to be single anymore. I had to have my own experiences of the great times with my love which I would recount to them. They wanted me to experience love.
Finally, I accepted. But, within me I wasn't so excited. Why? There was just something about Ben that wasn't clear. Something that didn't seem right. But you know what they say; "love is patient ". So I patiently waited; still being observant to find that one elusive piece that would make it all add up but I didn't find any.
With time, I liked him. Cared about him. Worried when I didn't hear from him. I loved him.... amd I loved him more. He worked with "Mobil", at least that was what I was told so I saw him only when he was off duty. It gave me the space I wanted and time to do what ever I wanted without anyone monitoring my movement. I went on other "dates" but I always made sure he knew about them and of cause he would say "When I'm around you're always busy. Now you have time to go see someone else".
Alas, time changed everything. I cut down one people and friends around me so I could enjoy my relationship . So I could love him with all of me.
Ben loved me. Yes, I think he loved me. Ben was very protective of me. He didn't want friends around. "Just one friend is enough" he usually retorted. Surprisingly, he wasn't in a hurry to lay with me and I was extremely happy about that. Whenever he was around, he would take me to a different place and we would talk about how boring the week was without each other. We never went to the same restaurant again.
One Friday evening in June, he told me to dress up in a gown that he wanted to take me somewhere special. I remember how shocked I was when we got to a hotel but I didn't say anything. I just watched him make reservations after which he took me to the bar where we had long chats, ate and drank. He would stop to look at me and remind me of how beautiful I was, how much he loved me and I would smile. We ended up in the hotel room and I didn't care again as long as I would wake up in his arms. We kept on talking he would remind me of how I didn't make things easy for him and now I was all over him. We laughed at stunts he made just to get me and as the night came our bodies were hungry for each other.
He began to kiss me, and I was shy at first. He whispered things in my ears. Telling me to let him love me. My giggles made him laugh. It was like the first time I was vulnerable, I just laid and let him eat me up.
I had to travel home to see my parents and Ben went on and on about it not being necessary. But I needed to travel. I also thought at the time that I needed some space. I was beginning to lose myself to this love. While I was away, he kept calling me like his life depended on it . He would go on and on about missing me and wanting me to come back. I contracted the virus. I got sick of the distance too.
So I got on Facebook one boring Saturday evening and came across his brother's profile. While going through his wall I saw Ben's picture. Extremely excited, I went further I couldn't find any link to Ben but I noticed that there were some strange names. And everyone knows how inquisitive I can be. I decided to take my time to go through it. Just then, my phone rang. It was Ben. When I asked for his Facebook ID, he said he wasn't on Facebook and reminded me of how much he loves me. When he hung up, I still continued with the profile pictures.
The first name I saw was German. As the profile opened, I saw pictures of both Ben and a white woman. And then it got more intense.... Ben with this same woman in postions and with smiles that could at worst be termed lovey-dovey. Both of them with captions like "MyAfrican pride, my husband........; all a wife would say about her husband. Honestly, at this point I was still blank not sure if to be surprised or not. I went through the pictures and was sure it was the white woman's account so I decided to look further for his account and I found what I was looking for. I was so scared to look at my phone. What I saw was strange, ugly and so not real .My Ben is married to a white woman! She had to be his wife! You're thinking "scam!! " It was more than that.
There were family pictures and this white woman was part of them. I thought may be he was extorting money from her but NO! Ben is always about church. I remember when I asked him if he was into this internet thing he said "God has blessed me with a good job so why would I scam anyone" I couldn't cry, I couldn't call him to tell him I was blank!!! I was so scared to go further I turned off my phone. I didn't know what to say or do. Who would I tell? Who would I ask? I was numb. I said a little prayer and decided to keep it to myself.
Few weeks later, I left for school. I had so much academic work awaiting my return. I didn't want to see Ben. But I didn't have a choice. So, I went to his house. With all the calls and messages, I was expecting some sort of fanfare heralding my arrival but he just stood there looking at me like I was a trespasser. Ben never gave me a reason to doubt him. But now...I doubted everything.
Looking at him I thought of all the things I could do to him, all I wanted to say, but I was weak and cold. My body ached for his warmth,my lips wanted his. I was still thinking of how to tell him all I knew. But he looked at me and said "finally!". That finally made me smile, that finally made my legs weak, that finally got me in bed with him again. As he kissed every part of my body making promises with his lips, assuring me that he loved me with his hands all I did was lay numb, a lot of things ran through my head...... he would touch me in places and expect some sort of response and when he didn't get it he looked me in the eye and said "Baby,are you ok? " Of cause my body wanted to drill him, I could feel my nipples hungry for the tip of his tongue but all I could think of was how he lied, how he was able to act normal. I replied with a smile. One thing I knew was that I loved him enough to wait for him to open up.
In the morning, all I could think about was how to ask him. I kept looking at the man I love, thinking of when he would trust me enough to open up. He would meet my eyes looking and ask if everything was good and all I would say was "I just miss you ". But really, I missed him, the old him.
Time changed everything again. He just stopped calling, stopped taking my calls and replying my messages. I got worried. I cried some night. But I didn't give up on on him. I kept praying and wishing he would come back..
One fateful Sunday, I called him after church. He sounded like everything was fine and I wasn't going to spoil it. I wasn't going to ruin it talking about it. But I wanted to look at him doing it!
He said he wasn't around, he was on duty so I'd have to wait another week for him. Later that evening I went to get my toiletries from the same mart. I had hurriedly picked up some items but I forgot my deodorant.
As I scurried towards the shelves, I cut a glimpse of someone. It was his arms. Something about those arm that made my legs weak. I was sure I knew whose it was, I stepped out to get a closer look ........ There I saw Ben with a fat, short girl. I was shocked some things fell from my hand and he looked to see and he didn't say or do anything neither did I. I just looked at him hoping to get some sort of explanation in his eyes but there was nothing.
I couldn't even stand erect. I quickly paid for my things and left. All I wanted to do was cry but instead I laughed so hard I caused a few stares from people around. I was confused.
Every day came with a reason to leave but I didn't. I was waiting for his call or text. Something. Anything. Nothing came ......I was restless and even when I wanted to call him, I kept telling myself I deserved some sort of explanation. After all, he failed me. He hurt me. He should call but he didn't. I waited for days. And I would cry and regret why I met knew him. This surely wasn't the first heart break but it was the first of it's kind. I was loving a ghost.
After school one day, I left for his house. I was more than lucky he came to open the door. He didn't know it was me of cause. I just stood looking at him. So many things to say but there was no exit for those words. So I waited for an explanation but still he said nothing. I thought of how I cried every night, how i went from a size 26 to 22, how I denied myself happiness just to make him happy, how I lost my friends just cause he wanted a close and decent relationship. And I thought I never bargained for such, I'm supposed to be happy in my relationship not sad. I can't keep beating myself up cause he didn't value me so right there I decided to leave.
Then I opened up everything I knew but he denied it and said I didn't deserve any explanation since I was making up things. I couldn't cry but I wanted to. I was weak again so I left, breaking up there so I don't accept anything and all he said was "I don't know why you're leaving, you did nothing wrong to me" Not a "sorry " but some stupid talk to make me feel pity for myself.
Ben told me so many things not one was true. He lived a lie. I don't regret waiting for so long for him to come around. You never know the pain of letting go if you don't try. This pain cut me deep, I couldn't sleep or eat. There isn't an immediate remedy for my pain but one step is writing, so I will continue to write about how I healed and who helped me heal. I won't stop loving and being happy because in the end, I have just myself.
MY happiness matters most!
