There have been many terrible songs, poems, and movies made about
love, but a surprisingly small number of Cracked articles. Today, I
intend to fill that void. Come with me as I seek the most accurate
definition for this thing that makes the world go ’round. Spoiler alert:
“A thing that makes the world go ’round” is a bad definition for love.
It is, however, a great definition for the law of conservation of angular momentum.
5. Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
When we were very small or when our parents were a little bigger than very small, there was a very famous book and movie called
Love Story. Think of it as the
Titanic of the early ’70s.
And much like
Titanic, it sucked and only losers liked it. Like millions and millions of sucky losers.
Anyway, the most famous line from
Love Story is the phrase
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” which is actually said
twice in the film. The first time by Jennifer (the poor but feisty girl)
to Oliver (the rich but kind boy) after he tries to apologize for
losing his temper. Later in the film, after she dies (because that’s
what lovers in shitty love story movies do), Oliver says it to his
father (the rich ogre), who apologizes for not approving of his son’s
relationship.
I get it. Jenny taught Oliver something. Point made. But what did she
teach him? I don’t know. We could argue and debate what exactly that
means, but I’m not going to. Maybe it means if you’re in love the person
you’re with knows your heart and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Maybe
it means love is having no regrets, as in never being sorry
for being
in love, but that’s stupid, because the phrase is said in the context
of apologies that have nothing to do with that. I’m not sure. Neither
are you. Neither is my boss, Jack O’Brien. I asked him, too. No one
knows. (Although Jack did send me a note that read, “Love is not having
to answer your stupid questions, loser,” which I think was a bit harsh.)
But I tell you what: If you have strong opinions on the phrase, write
your best guess in the comments and then delete that comment. This is
the Internet. There’s no capacity for that level of comprehension. We
only understand things with graphical rating systems.
So how good is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” as a definition of love?
Definition of Love Rating:
I’m giving that a 1 out of a possible 5 hearts, 5 being an excellent
definition and 1 being pretty crappy, although probably not as crappy
as
Love Story and
Titanic are in terms of movies.
Why only 1? Because love may be confusing and hard to understand, but definitions of love shouldn’t be equally obscure.
4. Love Is Lots of Mind-Blowing Orgasms
Some people go looking for love with their genitalia. Literally!
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Wait. No. Not at all literally. What’s the opposite of that again? Right, figuratively. Let’s try that again.
Some people go looking for love with their genitalia. Figuratively!
(Or metaphorically; that works, too.) And if you ask those people to
explain their thinking, it’s always the same: First they remove their
genitalia from the genitalia of the person they’re having sex with
before they give you their full attention. Then they flash you the “one
second” finger because their naughty bits are dripping with the
affection of their partner’s unmentionables, so they take a “wet wipe”
that they carry with them at all times and give their workings a quick
once over so you won’t be distracted as they answer your serious
question about love. Then the act of rubbing themselves clean while an
inquiring stranger watches gets them hot again and unless you begin to
service them immediately, they go back to the boning that you so rudely
interrupted. And who can blame them? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Why would you take a love survey in the middle of that?
Oh, jokes! What do people see in them? Anyway, for many, love and sex are inextricably tied. Look on the cover of any
Cosmo magazine.
It’s all how to give your boyfriend a mind-blowing orgasm — not how to
make him care about you more. (Spoiler alert: butt stuff.) Guys are told
over and over that marriage means sleeping with the same chick for the
rest of your life. The obvious analysis then becomes “Oh shit, then I
better make sure the sex is awesome. The most awesomest sex, if that’s
the only kind I’m gonna get!” Nevertheless, while high-quality sex is an
important part of anyone’s existence and a balanced breakfast, it’s a
shitty definition of love. There is no orgasm good enough to sustain 50
years of marriage. Therefore …
Definition of Love Rating:
Ideally, you will have wonderful, satisfying sex with the person of
your dreams, but you can’t gauge how much someone will fill your heart
by how much they spill your ejaculant.
Don’t believe me? Well, let me put it in a way the Internet understands:
3. Love Is Never Arguing
Y’know, when I got engaged, someone asked me how I knew it was time. I
replied somewhat facetiously that my girlfriend and I had gone three
months without having a big fight. “Uh-oh,” this person replied, because
she didn’t understand jokes and because she also sucked. See, in her
world, love is a calm blue pond you sit and soak in with your lover
while casually drinking herbal tea until both your hearts, full and
content, gently stop beating. (Then, as is the case with death, the two
of you void your freshly dead bowels, changing the pond into more of a
blue/brownish hue.)
Look, getting along and not arguing is important for love. Not
arguing is great. It’s very pleasant to date someone with whom you don’t
argue, but as a definition of love? Um …
Definition of Love Rating:
Think of all the people you don’t argue with: your postman, your
dentist, your co-worker who doesn’t wash after flushing. It’s a sign of
nothing. Love should be alive, and it can be messy. If you can’t argue
with someone, then you probably can’t talk to them, either. If there’s
not enough passion to make you angry, then there’s probably not enough
love to make you smile. Not a polite pleasant smile, but a big love
smile. A smile that makes your ears hurt.
No, that’s not a good definition, either.
2. Love Is Being Someone’s Hero
Hey, here’s a recipe for disaster: I used to think love was wanting
to be someone’s Prince Charming. A hero. A knight in shining armor.
Growing up, the world kind of teaches you that. And man, it feels good
to be a prince. Like really good.
I once dated a girl who made me feel like her own personal savior.
And I’d do little things for her that made her day and I thought, wow, I
know what love is. It’s being with someone who makes you want to do
those things all the time. Don’t get me wrong. It’s nice to do things
for loved ones. It’s nice when those little things become big things and
you are a hero. But that’s not the definition of love.
Here’s the thing. The people who are best at making you feel like
you’re a hero are people who really need a hero, who are desperate for
salvation in the form of another human being. Basically, the people who
make you feel like a hero the best are the people who need it the most.
They’re in trouble. And they are trouble.
And guess what? If YOU need to be someone’s hero to feel loved,
YOU’RE trouble, too. It’s an intense feeling both ways. Having someone
be your savior and one true path to happiness feels just like love.
Knowing someone looks at you like Jesus Christ, but one they get to have
sex with, feels like love, too. But at the end of the day, it’s not.
Definition of Love Rating:
1. Love Is Cleaning Shit
When I was about 5 years old, I thought I might like a dog. After
all, that seemed like a normal request, and I’d seen a lot of that on
TV. My 12-year-old brother then informed me that having a dog meant
cleaning up its crap. Literally.
Hey, I used that word right this time!
In any event, that pretty quickly put an end to my dog-wanting
desires. Fetch seemed fun and all, but not worth cleaning up shit. For
that, you’d need … love. And the more I think about it, that’s the best
definition of love I know. Love is cleaning shit.
Hmm, not really the right ring to it, either. Must be why my resume to SomeECards has gone unanswered.
But think about it. What better definition is there? It’s not just
social services that makes parents change hundreds of diapers filled
with godawful stuff. Parents clean their kids’ shit because love. People
take care of their dogs because love. And what about cats? Well, cats
are evil and they know they’re evil and that’s why they bury their own
shit — so they can be indebted to nothing and no one.
“Yeah, I’ll clean my own shit, thanks. I owe you nothing!”
My friend told me a story once about having a horrific virus while he
was sharing a bed with his girlfriend. Long story short, he woke up at
three in the morning having crapped the bed, creating some horrible
diarrhea-designed mess. He crawled off to the shower, and when he
returned, his girlfriend was cleaning the sheets. That’s the day he
decided to marry her, and that’s as good a reason as I can think of.
Love can be messy and complicated and painful. Lives built together
can be sloppy and ugly and unpleasant. The best definition of love we
have is finding a friend willing to roll up some sleeves and get to
work, by your side, in the shit.
Definition of Love Rating:
