There have been many terrible songs, poems, and movies made about love, but a surprisingly small number of Cracked articles. Today, I intend to fill that void. Come with me as I seek the most accurate definition for this thing that makes the world go ’round. Spoiler alert: “A thing that makes the world go ’round” is a bad definition for love.
It is, however, a great definition for the law of conservation of angular momentum.
5. Love Means Never Having to Say You’re SorryWhen we were very small or when our parents were a little bigger than very small, there was a very famous book and movie called Love Story. Think of it as the Titanic of the early ’70s.
And much like Titanic, it sucked and only losers liked it. Like millions and millions of sucky losers.
I get it. Jenny taught Oliver something. Point made. But what did she teach him? I don’t know. We could argue and debate what exactly that means, but I’m not going to. Maybe it means if you’re in love the person you’re with knows your heart and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Maybe it means love is having no regrets, as in never being sorry for being in love, but that’s stupid, because the phrase is said in the context of apologies that have nothing to do with that. I’m not sure. Neither are you. Neither is my boss, Jack O’Brien. I asked him, too. No one knows. (Although Jack did send me a note that read, “Love is not having to answer your stupid questions, loser,” which I think was a bit harsh.) But I tell you what: If you have strong opinions on the phrase, write your best guess in the comments and then delete that comment. This is the Internet. There’s no capacity for that level of comprehension. We only understand things with graphical rating systems.
So how good is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” as a definition of love?
Why only 1? Because love may be confusing and hard to understand, but definitions of love shouldn’t be equally obscure.
4. Love Is Lots of Mind-Blowing Orgasms
Some people go looking for love with their genitalia. Literally!
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Wait. No. Not at all literally. What’s the opposite of that again? Right, figuratively. Let’s try that again.
Some people go looking for love with their genitalia. Figuratively!
(Or metaphorically; that works, too.) And if you ask those people to
explain their thinking, it’s always the same: First they remove their
genitalia from the genitalia of the person they’re having sex with
before they give you their full attention. Then they flash you the “one
second” finger because their naughty bits are dripping with the
affection of their partner’s unmentionables, so they take a “wet wipe”
that they carry with them at all times and give their workings a quick
once over so you won’t be distracted as they answer your serious
question about love. Then the act of rubbing themselves clean while an
inquiring stranger watches gets them hot again and unless you begin to
service them immediately, they go back to the boning that you so rudely
interrupted. And who can blame them? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Why would you take a love survey in the middle of that?Wait. No. Not at all literally. What’s the opposite of that again? Right, figuratively. Let’s try that again.
Oh, jokes! What do people see in them? Anyway, for many, love and sex are inextricably tied. Look on the cover of any Cosmo magazine. It’s all how to give your boyfriend a mind-blowing orgasm — not how to make him care about you more. (Spoiler alert: butt stuff.) Guys are told over and over that marriage means sleeping with the same chick for the rest of your life. The obvious analysis then becomes “Oh shit, then I better make sure the sex is awesome. The most awesomest sex, if that’s the only kind I’m gonna get!” Nevertheless, while high-quality sex is an important part of anyone’s existence and a balanced breakfast, it’s a shitty definition of love. There is no orgasm good enough to sustain 50 years of marriage. Therefore …
Don’t believe me? Well, let me put it in a way the Internet understands:
Y’know, when I got engaged, someone asked me how I knew it was time. I replied somewhat facetiously that my girlfriend and I had gone three months without having a big fight. “Uh-oh,” this person replied, because she didn’t understand jokes and because she also sucked. See, in her world, love is a calm blue pond you sit and soak in with your lover while casually drinking herbal tea until both your hearts, full and content, gently stop beating. (Then, as is the case with death, the two of you void your freshly dead bowels, changing the pond into more of a blue/brownish hue.)
2. Love Is Being Someone’s Hero
Hey, here’s a recipe for disaster: I used to think love was wanting to be someone’s Prince Charming. A hero. A knight in shining armor. Growing up, the world kind of teaches you that. And man, it feels good to be a prince. Like really good.
Here’s the thing. The people who are best at making you feel like you’re a hero are people who really need a hero, who are desperate for salvation in the form of another human being. Basically, the people who make you feel like a hero the best are the people who need it the most. They’re in trouble. And they are trouble.
And guess what? If YOU need to be someone’s hero to feel loved, YOU’RE trouble, too. It’s an intense feeling both ways. Having someone be your savior and one true path to happiness feels just like love. Knowing someone looks at you like Jesus Christ, but one they get to have sex with, feels like love, too. But at the end of the day, it’s not.
When I was about 5 years old, I thought I might like a dog. After all, that seemed like a normal request, and I’d seen a lot of that on TV. My 12-year-old brother then informed me that having a dog meant cleaning up its crap. Literally.
Hey, I used that word right this time!
Hmm, not really the right ring to it, either. Must be why my resume to SomeECards has gone unanswered.
“Yeah, I’ll clean my own shit, thanks. I owe you nothing!”
My friend told me a story once about having a horrific virus while he
was sharing a bed with his girlfriend. Long story short, he woke up at
three in the morning having crapped the bed, creating some horrible
diarrhea-designed mess. He crawled off to the shower, and when he
returned, his girlfriend was cleaning the sheets. That’s the day he
decided to marry her, and that’s as good a reason as I can think of.Love can be messy and complicated and painful. Lives built together can be sloppy and ugly and unpleasant. The best definition of love we have is finding a friend willing to roll up some sleeves and get to work, by your side, in the shit.
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